If you feel like you're the only one working on the relationship, you're not alone! It's common to feel that way, especially during times when things are tough or when there's a distance between you.
With Ally, we do everything we can to lower the barriers, but it's not always enough. So how can you motivate your partner to attend therapy for couples online?
1. Focus on the relationship - not your partner!
Focus on what you long for or would like to develop in the relationship, not what your partner does or doesn't do that's bad or insufficient.
Avoid saying "You're always so angry, it's impossible to talk to you!" or "We never do anything fun together anymore..."
Instead, say "I feel so sad when we argue, I would like to find a better way to communicate when we disagree." or "I miss doing more fun things together."
2. What benefits can your partner gain from attending therapy for couples online?
This requires a bit of self-awareness and the courage to expose your own weaknesses. Convey that you understand it's not always easy to live with you and that you wish you could give your partner more of what they need.
Expressing curiosity about your partner's perspectives and acknowledging instances where they may feel insufficient or unappreciated creates an opportunity for deeper understanding and connection. By demonstrating a willingness to listen to their thoughts, feelings, and desires, you foster emotional intimacy and strengthen your bond.
For example, say "I know you don't always feel appreciated by me, that I withdraw and don't want to be close. I want to get better at showing you appreciation and making you feel loved."
or "I'm curious about what you think and feel, about how you would like things to be. I know that sometimes I make you feel insufficient and I really don't want that!"
3. Reduce uncertainty
Let's say, for example, that you've found an app that you think could bring you closer together, make your everyday life more fun and enjoyable, and help you deal with challenges in your relationship. (Yes, we mean Ally…😉). You want to try it out together with your partner. How could you motivate your partner and get your partner to say yes to the idea? Well, by reducing uncertainty and showing what kind of app it is and how it could benefit your relationship.
We humans are naturally often sceptical of what we don't know. Perhaps it's not so strange that your partner is hesitant at first? Start by downloading the app yourself, get started, and then show it to your partner.
4. Roll with the resistance
If your partner is sceptical, try to listen to why without trying to convince or argue. Try to understand the resistance - what is it that makes your partner not want to? Try, if you can, to even confirm it.
For example, say "I know, there's really a lot going on right now, it's not easy to find the time."
or "I understand if you feel unsure if it will work, I'm not completely sure either."
You don't have to start with therapy for couples online right away. Wait a few days and give your partner the chance to be the one who takes the next step.
5. Start with yourself
You can't change your partner, no matter how much you wish you could. The only one you can change is yourself. Frustrating? Yes, of course. But letting go of trying to change the other person can also be a great relief.
And even more importantly - if 50% of the relationship (i.e. you) feels better and is better as a partner, it will definitely have a positive impact on your life together.
The most important thing you can do for the relationship is to take responsibility for yourself. So who do you want to be and what do you need to feel good?
In Ally, there are many different exercises that you can do completely on your own, focusing on your own well-being and who you want to be as a partner, for example “Set your Direction”. If working on the relationship is something you want, but not your partner? Keep motivating!
